First Things First

Three words. On the face of it, it's so simple! Yet there is so much meaning in these three words. There are so many layers that they are worthy of a blog post. There is a part of me that can laugh at the irony that this isn't the first blog post. But for me it was completely logical.

First Things First represents the first actions. The first steps towards ANOTHER WAY. But before I could take these actions I had to make the decision that I wanted to get off of the path that I was on. Which means that before I could take my first action, I had to make my first decision, which was ONE DAY… or… DAY ONE (see previous post).

And truth be told my first actions in sobriety were unclear, unintentional and unimpactful. Which now, reflecting back on it, leaves me with no surprise that my first stint of sobriety (28 days) was a complete roller coaster. I was not happy. I was not content. I was not satisfied. In the world of alcoholism they would call that being a ‘dry drunk’. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts and desires to act out. I could not sit still. I could not sit with myself. I could not stand silence. And now, with the benefit of hindsight, it was all because I thought that I could keep my life completely the same and my addiction would change. My addiction would disappear.

But it didn't. And I used the first slight against me (being rejected for sponsorship, because I hadn't attended enough in person meetings) as the excuse I was searching for to act out. And again, with the benefit of hindsight, I am glad I had that relapse because it was during this period that I truly shifted from wanting to get sober for the benefit of other people, to getting sober for my benefit. This now means that my sobriety is no longer tied to the actions of anybody else. I can go through break up, bereavement or abandonment and still remain sober, because I am doing it for me!

Fast forward a week and I did find a sponsor and this is when I can truly say that my recovery began. I am now over 70 days sober. But sobriety in itself feels completely different. I honestly no longer think about acting out. My thoughts, on the whole, are healthy and clean. I have found a peace and a serenity which I could only have previously dreamt of.

But this did not come instantaneously. It did not come with the shift in thinking about becoming sober centered around myself. It did not come with the act of getting a sponsor.

It came with the realisation that if I want my life to change and move away from my addiction, it has to change. I can no longer repeat the same behaviours, the same actions, the same routines and expect a different result.

From the moment I wake up my actions HAVE to be different.

And from that moment on my sobriety has been built on the foundations of three simple actions that I take first thing in the morning. Before I do anything else.

They are my literal FIRST THINGS FIRST.

For me they are relatively simple, but I feel, carry a lot of meaning.

1- Make my bed 

This might sound trivial. To many of you it probably is. But, thinking about Old Me, it represents a massive shift. Old Me would take clothes off and leave them on the floor. Old Me would finish a brew and leave the dirty mug on the side. Old Me would take a dump and leave skids in the pan. Old Me was selfish, self centred, egotistical. Old Me was an addict. If I wanted to stop being that addict, I had to stop being Old Me. And the very simple act of making the bed first thing in the morning sets a very positive intention that Old Me is not here any more and a New Me is going to live the day in a very different way!

2- Text my wife

At the time of writing this my wife and I are not living in the same house. We are taking the time to rebuild after the damage and destruction that I caused. The simple act of texting her is not just a procedural thing. It is not purely an act of relationship maintenance. For me it is so much deeper. 

There is no secret that addiction loves isolation. It thrives on secrecy. And reflecting back on the peak of my addiction, just before the crash of the rock bottom, I was actively isolating myself from my family and my closest friends. I am not 100% certain as to why. But I am pretty confident it is because I knew that they would be the only people who could see me for the addict that I was. And being found out was something that my addiction actively worked against.

It is for this reason that the simple act of texting my wife is so important. Again it is New Me showing up and saying ‘I choose connection’ rather than letting Old Me say ‘I choose isolation’. I also find that starting the day in this way makes it easier for me to live the rest of the day connected to people!

3 - Meditation

Right at the start of my recovery journey, when I was working with a therapist, I was advised to try meditation and mindfulness, as a way of grounding myself and bringing a sense of presence when anxiety was bringing nothing but chaos. At the time I fervently asserted that ‘I cannot do that’, ‘I have done it before and it does not work’. And at the time I meant it. Every time I would sit in silence or bring stillness, my ADHD brain would go into overdrive. My brain would race. I would feel physically uncomfortable. Every fiber of my being would scream to move, to do, to think. And the worst thing of all, is that what was being screamed at me, most of the time, was not helpful. Was not healthy. Was not safe.

But out of fear. Out of the knowledge that something had to change. Out of the acceptance that the only change I could control was myself. I started experimenting with different forms of meditation. I fell in love with the Chinese GongFu Tea Ceremony, and adapted that to work for me. This has since evolved to include more ‘recognisable’ forms of meditation.

Two key things happen for me during this time. The first is I realise that while there is very little I can control, I can control my breathing. And in doing so I can ground myself. This is something that was very important in the beginning of recovery, where I was still surrounded by the chaos of addiction. But I remind myself of this every day now. And it honestly helps me.

The second is I ask for help. Help with staying sober. Help with making the right choices. Help with remembering to breathe. I am not sure who I am asking for help from. Some may call it God, some may call it the universe. But for me, this act of asking for help is a daily recognition that I cannot do this on my own. If I could do it on my own, my life would not have imploded in the way that it did. And it is also a daily affirmation that asking for help is not a bad thing. It is not a sign of weakness. And is something everyone should do more of!

The concept of First Things First has been instrumental in helping me move from Old Me to New Me. Has helped me start each day with intention and purpose. Has helped me to find a happiness and serenity I did not think would be possible!

I invite you all to try and build your own First Things First. Feel free to use or adapt mine. Or spend some time exploring the concept and finding something that works for you, because when we put FIRST THINGS FIRST, we begin to rebuild trust in ourselves and in the process. It is not about doing everything - it is about doing the right thing next. That is how change begins. With FIRST THINGS FIRST!