I remember so vividly sitting in meetings, yes I follow a 12 Step program, listening to people share and talk about being 20 years sober and think ‘How am I ever going to get to that?’ and ‘That’s a lot of hard work’. I really was not sure that I was cut out to be sober. I was so used to living in the ADHD world of being excited by the new, of the quick win, and achieving things quickly, that I really did not have the life experience, the data, to give me any confidence that I would be able to stick it out. And to make matters worse after starting my journey I quickly relapsed. Leaving me feeling like I had proof that I was doomed to fail! But hindsight is an amazing teacher. I can see now that back then I was still trying to live my life thinking that it was all about the destination. Thinking that the 12 Steps were something that I had to complete, as quickly as possible. To prove to the world, to prove to me, that I was a good person and that I was sober. But living my life that way...
I remember so vividly sitting in meetings, yes I follow a 12 Step program, listening to people share and talk about being 20 years sober and think ‘How am I ever going to get to that?’ and ‘That’s a lot of hard work’. I really was not sure that I was cut out to be sober. I was so used to living in the ADHD world of being excited by the new, of the quick win, and achieving things quickly, that I really did not have the life experience, the data, to give me any confidence that I would be able to stick it out. And to make matters worse after starting my journey I quickly relapsed. Leaving me feeling like I had proof that I was doomed to fail!
But hindsight is an amazing teacher. I can see now that back then I was still trying to live my life thinking that it was all about the destination. Thinking that the 12 Steps were something that I had to complete, as quickly as possible. To prove to the world, to prove to me, that I was a good person and that I was sober. But living my life that way stopped me from being able to see everything that I had, because all that I was focussing on was everything that I did not have.
I wanted 20 years of sobriety, without 20 years of work. I wanted to be at the destination, but skip out on the journey. I thought that my sobriety only had value as a cumulative entity. The bigger the number of sobriety days, the greater the sobriety, the stronger the sobriety, the more valid the sobriety is.
But one day I had a realisation! I have no idea where this realisation came from. I honestly feel that this was one of my first bits of evidence of my higher power at work. I completely understand that talk of a higher power may immediately put some of you off. It is something that I really struggled with. It almost stopped me going through my own recovery journey! So for ease I will release another blog post about my higher power. In a hope that it strips away the cynicism and still leaves this blog accessible to you. That realisation was around the power of pain.
I realised in that moment the pain of breaking my sobriety, the damage of breaking my sobriety, was not concerned with volume, with number of days. The people I care most about in the world would experience the same amount of pain irrespective of ‘how big’ my sobriety was. It really would make no difference to them if I broke my sobriety after 30 days, 30 weeks, 30 months or even 30 years. They would still be hurt in exactly the same way. The pain would be as raw. The wound would be as deep.
But equally as important as that realisation was, it was equally as important to realise that the pain and damage that I would endure would be exactly the same as well.
For me this realisation was so freeing! I suddenly stopped living in fear of ‘how am I possibly going to get to that 20 year target’. Or ‘how can I take on all that work to stay sober’. And instead started thinking ‘what do I have to do to be sober today!’ And through that I have truly come to realise that the only thing that matters is BEING SOBER TODAY.
So profound was this shift in thinking for me, that when I had amassed 30 sober days and I collected what was my first sobriety chip, I felt completely underwhelmed. The chip did not hold any significance for me. I certainly did not want it as a badge of honour. But the next week I went back and got a One Day chip. That chip is now one of the most meaningful items that I own. I carry it, in my pocket, always. And in those moments where I feel my sobriety is weaker I reach into my pocket and it instantly reminds me that I just need to be sober today. And it helps me to make the next right choice.
Now, I really do live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME. All I worry about is doing the next right thing. And in doing so I have been able to find the serenity and sobriety I so desperately craved.
What is beautiful is that I know that if I continue to live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME the 20 year target will very quickly come. But when it does I know I will not be able to talk about some big secret that got me to that place. All I will be able to say when I am asked ‘how did you get sober’ will be ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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