I remember so vividly sitting in meetings, yes I follow a 12 Step program, listening to people share and talk about being 20 years sober and think ‘How am I ever going to get to that?’ and ‘That’s a lot of hard work’. I really was not sure that I was cut out to be sober. I was so used to living in the ADHD world of being excited by the new, of the quick win, and achieving things quickly, that I really did not have the life experience, the data, to give me any confidence that I would be able to stick it out. And to make matters worse after starting my journey I quickly relapsed. Leaving me feeling like I had proof that I was doomed to fail! But hindsight is an amazing teacher. I can see now that back then I was still trying to live my life thinking that it was all about the destination. Thinking that the 12 Steps were something that I had to complete, as quickly as possible. To prove to the world, to prove to me, that I was a good person and that I was sober. But living my life that way...
I feel that my recovery journey has been punctuated with inspirational quotes, sayings, excerpts etc. Some of them I have known for most of my life. Some are completely new. But all of them have taken on a completely different meaning now that I am on a recovery path. That is why each of my blog posts will be titled with one of these sayings or quotes and the subsequent content will be my reflections to that particular line.
With that in mind I felt that it was only right to start with this ‘One Day… or… Day One’. As I feel it fantastically represents the fork in the road that people who are struggling with addiction, or poor mental health, often find themselves standing.
“I will get better one day”
“Things will get better when…”
These are lines that I found myself saying frequently while I was living in active addiction. I thought that my ‘acting out’ was a result of some unfair imbalance in the world. It was because I was overlooked for some promotion. Or because there was an annoyance in my life that I could not cope with. I would also find myself setting arbitrary targets like kicking my addiction in the new year, or on my birthday.
I can see now that that way of thinking was only perpetuating the cycle of self destruction that I was living in. And there may have been some truth in the fact there was some annoyance in my life. Some things that I could not control. But these things were not the reason for why I became an addict and they certainly were not to blame for why I kept on acting out.
For me it took hitting a rock bottom. Being found out for the addict that I was. And for having to face the wholly destructive consequences of my addiction, to finally realise that there was a crossroads. That there was a choice. That I did not have to continue walking down this path of destruction and active addiction.
At that moment my mind had shifted. I was no longer saying ONE DAY. Instead I was saying this is DAY ONE!
On that DAY ONE I had no idea what the other path was. I had no idea where it would lead me. I did not know if the path was smooth and flat or rough and hard going. All I knew was that I wanted to get off the path I was on.
In many ways I was fortunate, because I wasn't alone. I am a son, a husband and a father. And all around me was the littered evidence of the damage I was not just doing to myself, but the people who I cared about most in the world. That, in the beginning, was the motivation I needed to start my journey down this OTHER WAY. But I quickly came to realise that the only thing that was going to sustain me down this path was me! If I walked down this path with the notion of saving someone else, of making things better for someone else, then I was doomed to fail!
What I also did not know when I started down this path labelled THE OTHER WAY, was that this would not be my first and only DAY ONE. I did not know I was going to, and I certainly did not intend to, relapse. But I did! And from what I have learned, this is an experience shared by almost everyone who is trying to recover from addiction. For many DAY ONE can happen again and again, but please know that every time you find yourself back at DAY ONE and take a step forward you are exponentially further away from it than you ever have been!
At the time of writing this post my last DAY ONE was 74 days ago and I can truly and whole heartedly say that thoughts of ‘acting out’ have never been further from my mind. I have found a peace and serenity in my life that I never knew could exist. I always had some unexplainable notion that other people experienced the world in a different way to me, and now that I have truly experienced serenity and peace I feel I have a glimpse of what that experience is like.
For those of you reading this who, like I was, are completely oblivious to the cross roads, please know that it is there. It might take you having to hack your way through the brush to find it, but it does exist! And once you find it, the treasures and bounties are more than you are even able to contemplate! Today can be YOUR DAY ONE. Take a step down THE OTHER WAY. But know that you are not doing it alone. You are supported. Keep coming back to the blog to learn about the various tools that I have experienced along my journey. Use them. Adapt them. Throw them away. But take that first step!
For those of you who are experiencing DAY ONE, not for the first time, please note that your relapse is not failure. It is not evidence of your inability to change! Keep taking the step down THE OTHER WAY, but know that this time you have another tool in your box! And if you keep coming back you will continue to learn, grow and acquire new skills. Are they guaranteed to work? Well nothing is guaranteed! But they are guaranteed to take you further away from the crossroads you are at now. And any distance you can get is a good distance!
Ultimately if you are at that crossroads, it is not about whether you have had one DAY ONE or a hundred. The only question is… will today be just ONE DAY or DAY ONE!
Comments
Post a Comment