Shame is such a strong and powerful emotion. It’s the emotion that can drive addiction and at the same time, the one that can stop you from getting help. That was certainly the case for me. The world has come a long way in its attitude towards addiction. The line “hello, my name is X and I am an alcoholic” has almost become a cultural cliche. Whether thats helpful or not is something I will explore another time - but it shows how some addictions have become more socially acceptable to talk about. Yet others remain shrouded in silence. Take sex addiction for example. Sex is a part of every human story, literally none of us would be here without it. It’s often described as one of the most beautiful expressions of love between two people. But still… we don't talk about it. Many of us would happily discuss our relationship with the toilet before we’d ever admit to struggles around sex. When you stop and think about it, that’s absurd. As long as there are topics we can’t talk about, the...
When I started writing this post I did not know what to call it. It may remain without a title, or I may get inspiration further on down the line, who knows.
This blog post is also different because I am pretty confident that this post is a lot more about helping me. It does not feel like I am passing anything on particularly. But maybe reading it will give you a sense of identification. Maybe you will read something that confirms your own thoughts and feelings. Or maybe you will read something that challenges your current way of thinking in a way that helps you to move forward. Again who knows.
Throughout my recovery journey I have been told that it does not matter why I am an addict. That knowing is irrelevant. That there is no point looking for someone to blame and in doing so it will only hinder my recovery.
But that goes against everything that has been a pillar in my life. I would say I confidently subscribe to the notion of ‘Knowledge is Power’. That to move forward, in any direction, with security and with stability takes understanding.
And these assertions would often get met with the comeback ‘Do you know how your car works? Do you properly understand all of the processes behind the internal combustion engine and the physics behind motion etc. Or do you just believe that it works and drive?’ And there was only one, honest, response to that question. No. I didn’t.
But my recovery journey felt different. I felt like I needed to know. I needed to understand. Not for blame. Not for pity. Not for sympathy. But so that I could learn from my previous mistakes. So that my recovery could be built upon some solid foundations. I felt that this knowledge was going to be a key factor in protecting me against a slip, a relapse.
However I knew that there was going to be no amount of study that would provide me with this knowledge. There was no one place I could go to for the answer. So in many respects, I abandoned the quest for this knowledge and, taking the advice of those who had walked the journey before me, threw myself into recovery.
In doing so, over time, the answers I was looking for became apparent. Not all at once. But slowly. As if step by step another piece of the jigsaw was flipped over. And this is what I discovered about myself…
ADHD - I was only diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it means that I had to find my own way to balance the lack of dopamine in my brain. I feel that this was key in making me predisposed to an addiction, because my brain was craving something that it did not have enough of naturally.
My relationship with my poison of choice - There were three key events from my childhood, which I feel have shaped my relationship with my poison of choice. There is no getting away from the fact that there is trauma attached to each specific event, but I attribute no blame to the people involved in them. But looking back at them now I can see that they would have had a formative impact on the way I viewed my poison of choice. On the relationship I had with it. And leaves me feeling no surprise that my poison of choice is what it is!
Emotionally introvert - There are circumstances around my life, (I won't go into detail in here as I am aware of the pain I may cause my family if they were to read the details) which I feel have led me to believe that the best way to deal with my emotions, was internally. That sharing my feelings, both good and bad, would negatively impact the people who I cared about. So I tried to deal with them internally. On my own. And ultimately acting out, became the way I did that.
Now, with what I am learning in recovery, I can see the madness in all of this.
Is this knowledge helpful to me?
Ultimately I think it is. Because now I can clearly see the mistakes of my past. Which means that I can avoid the same mistakes in my present and my future.
My ADHD is something that I can manage, with a mix of medication and lifestyle. I can consciously look for good ‘hits’ of dopamine and avoid the negative.
I can take steps to deal with the trauma I experienced as a child. I have a fantastic therapist who I can unpack all of this with. Who can help me see it for what it is? Who can help me to let go, so it does not continue to darken my present.
And most importantly I can choose emotional extroversion. When I feel a feeling I can name it and share it. Giving it the space it needs so that it can complete its cycle and ultimately die. This has had the biggest impact on my sobriety so far. I am in constant contact with people who understand, who are willing to listen and that brings me emotional sobriety, which leads to all round sobriety.
So I would encourage you to explore your past. Try and understand who you are and how you have got to the place you have ended up in. I do advocate caution. Do not go on this voyage of discovery to find someone to blame. Do not go down this road to absolve yourself of the pain and damage that you and your addiction has caused. But do go down this path to better understand yourself. To learn how you can escape the shackles of the past, which have defined your present and so that you can plot a course for your future and avoid the potholes that will try and trip you up!
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Much love!
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