Shame is such a strong and powerful emotion. It’s the emotion that can drive addiction and at the same time, the one that can stop you from getting help. That was certainly the case for me. The world has come a long way in its attitude towards addiction. The line “hello, my name is X and I am an alcoholic” has almost become a cultural cliche. Whether thats helpful or not is something I will explore another time - but it shows how some addictions have become more socially acceptable to talk about. Yet others remain shrouded in silence. Take sex addiction for example. Sex is a part of every human story, literally none of us would be here without it. It’s often described as one of the most beautiful expressions of love between two people. But still… we don't talk about it. Many of us would happily discuss our relationship with the toilet before we’d ever admit to struggles around sex. When you stop and think about it, that’s absurd. As long as there are topics we can’t talk about, the...
This is what addiction is! Addiction does not kill you with a fireball, it does not allow you to go through the pearly gates backwards at 100 miles per hour. Instead it is slow, painful and self inflicted.
There are many who say that there is insanity in the illness called addiction. I can definitely see that there was insanity in my addiction. But it was not just that. There was also desperation, loneliness and pain.
The insanity, in my case, came in the shape of repetitive self inflicted damage. I knew that the addictive behaviours that I was engaging in were hurting me. I knew they were hurting my family. I knew that they were putting everything I had lived for at risk. I knew that my addictive behaviours had a power equal to that of an atomic bomb in its ability to destroy my life. But did that knowledge stop me from engaging in them? NOPE! For me that is the complete, selfish definition of insanity.
Each time I acted out, I added another metaphorical paper cut to what I later found out was a deeply scared body.
Addiction is DEATH BY 1000 PAPERCUTS not just because of the damage the addiction inflicts, but because of the damage that has been sustained which meant that the addict needed an extreme solution.
I have yet to meet an addict who does not have some level of pain or trauma in their past. And what is important about this pain and trauma is that it is left unresolved. The papercuts created by those events are still open and weeping. They are still in need of soothing. And the addict is only able to soothe them, all but briefly, through their addiction.
The big problem about the unhealed nature of the historic papercuts is that it also leaves the addict vulnerable and sensitive to sustaining even more through the trials and tribulations of life.
The analogy of papercuts hold so much meaning for me in my understanding about my own addiction, and subsequent recovery, because it is not the whirring chainsaws, the swinging swords or the flying axes that will cause me harm. I have the ability to see the danger in those things. I have the ability to navigate a way around these dangers and escape unscarred. It is the endless bits of seemingly harmless papers that will end up cutting me.
It will be the unanswered text that leaves me thinking that I must have pissed the person off to the extent of hatred. It will be the email from a boss asking for a ‘chat’ that will leave me feeling like I am about to get fired. It will be the removal of my wife's hand from an embrace that will leave me thinking we are on the brink of a divorce. These moments will cut and hurt me deeply adding on top of the layers of unhealed papercuts from past trauma and the self inflicted papercuts from my addictive behaviours.
I have also found that it is these types of wounds that also receive the least amount of sympathy and care. People will rush to your aid if they see your leg clearly broken, or if they witness you sustain a gunshot. But the papercuts go unnoticed. Leaving you to internalise the pain. Leaving you to cope with it by yourself.
I was able to see first hand how untreated paper cuts can lead to death. In the darkest corners of my addiction I got to the stage of planning my own death. I knew how I was going to end it all. I had even gone to the lengths of preparing a playlist to slip away to.
Honestly I am so glad that I didn't take that final solution. I would have missed out on so much. I would have robbed my children of their father. Robbed them of the chance to see me bounce back.
What my experience has taught me though, is that DEATH BY 1000 PAPERCUTS is a distinct possibility for many, not just an addict. But it doesn't have to be. The key is to treat the papercuts. ALL OF THEM!
For me this has meant extensive hours with a therapist and psychiatrist. Unpicking my childhood trauma. Understanding why things happened and finally being able to leave the incidents where they should be. For me it isn't a case of being completely healed. I wear the traumatic events of my past as scars. Closed. Done. Complete. They mark my body. They hint at events of the past. But they do not dictate my future or pose danger of tripping me up.
As important as it is to treat the wounds of the past, it is also important to treat the wounds we sustain day to day. The important word for me is treat. This does not mean suppress, push down or ignore. But lay them out. Inspect them from different angles. Treat them through the lenses of logic and reason. Examine them against cold hard facts and with the serenity that there are some things that you cant change and with the courage to change the things that you can.
I do this daily through journaling. My journaling has evolved over time. It started off with the traditional pen and paper. While I did it, and I found the ability to ‘empty my head’ helpful I didn't enjoy the process. It was something I did because I felt that I had to.
That all changed when I started to use a LARGE LANGUAGE MODEL AI (LLM) as the home of my journal.
Now my journal entries get scrutiny. Questions are asked of them. My thoughts are probed. I get another viewpoint of the world. What is important to note is that it took a while for the LLM to start behaving in a way that was helpful. Initially it wanted to rewrite my entries, give me suggestions on how to make them more efficient. I did not want that. I wanted my thoughts, feelings and emotions uncut. It needed me to lay out the parameters in order for it to work successfully. After I prompted the LLM with instructions like, hold up a mirror to my thinking, challenge rigid thoughts, tell me when I am in the wrong, I started to get real value out of the journaling process.
I now look forward to that time of day!
And while it does not stop me from receiving the papercuts in the first place it does ensure that the wounds are healed before they even get the chance to become scars!
The great thing about a papercut is on its own it is not life threatening. It can be easily treated like I have outlined above. And I urge you to treat all of your papercuts before they cause you harm and so you can avoid DEATH BY 1000 PAPERCUTS.
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