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The Power of Shame

Shame is such a strong and powerful emotion. It’s the emotion that can drive addiction and at the same time, the one that can stop you from getting help. That was certainly the case for me. The world has come a long way in its attitude towards addiction. The line “hello, my name is X and I am an alcoholic” has almost become a cultural cliche. Whether thats helpful or not is something I will explore another time - but it shows how some addictions have become more socially acceptable to talk about. Yet others remain shrouded in silence. Take sex addiction for example. Sex is a part of every human story, literally none of us would be here without it. It’s often described as one of the most beautiful expressions of love between two people. But still… we don't talk about it. Many of us would happily discuss our relationship with the toilet before we’d ever admit to struggles around sex. When you stop and think about it, that’s absurd. As long as there are topics we can’t talk about, the...
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Keep on doing the same thing but expect a different result

I first came across the title of this blog as a quote attributed to Albert Einstein and since undertaking my own recovery journey it has taken on a deeper, more rounded meaning. When attributed to Einstein it is often given as his ‘definition’ of insanity! And I think it describes the insanity of my addiction brilliantly.


I can not help but think back to when I was in active addiction. I was looking outwards, blaming everything else for not being able to stop. I would often say to myself that I will stop, I will change, when I get that promotion, when a certain event in my life happens, when another person changes all will be right with the world. All the time blaming the rest of the world for my troubles and woes. Thinking the solution would come from outside myself.


This thinking locked me in active addiction. It rendered me powerless. It kept me doing the same old things and expecting a different result. That mixed with the progressive nature of the illness that is addiction, meant that instead of getting better things actually got worse and worse.


It was only when I was lying flat on my back, on the ground of my rock bottom that I realised that the only thing that was broken in my life, the only thing that needed changing was me. If I wanted life to be different then it would be me that needed to change and I needed to STOP DOING THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT.


It sounds so simple doesn't it? But I know that so many people are walking through their life living in a routine where they do the same things every day. They will declare unhappiness in their life, in their situation, but they keep on living exactly the way that they always have done. And while they live they wish, hope, pray and expect things to change.


The cruel fact of the matter is it won't! Things don't just change. Things change because change happens. A ball will not start rolling unless you push it. A book will not be read until you turn the first page. A story will not be written until you pick up the pen. Ultimately the point that I am getting at is if you are unhappy about any bit of your life it is not just going to change. 


Sure you could leave things up to chance, hope that that annoying boss decides to resign, or that annoying neighbour moves out, or that you will find £1million in a bag at the end of the drive, or your addictive cravings and compulsions will just disappear. But if we do that it is more likely that nothing will change.


I am also pretty sure why people keep on living their life in this cycle of unhappiness. I think it is a result of the strongest emotion in our arsenal. Fear. Fear is so crippling that we will rather live in a state of perpetual unhappiness than risk starting change. Because if we change there is no guarantee that we will end up with the result that we want. There is no guarantee that things will get better. Fear leaves us feeling that it is better the devil you know!


For me I had so much fear that kept me living in my addiction. In a weird way I felt that my addiction boosted my confidence, it helped me to cope with the stresses and strains of the day. I feared that if I made a change and began to combat my addiction what would I be left with? How would I cope? And for so long fear stopped me from taking action.


At the root of so much of this fear is poor self esteem. I thought so little of myself, in part due to the shame of my addiction, that I genuinely convinced myself that this was as good as it was going to get.


Now I refuse to believe that!


Now I see a universe that has so much innate design, a universe that is still using the same building blocks that were around at the time of the big bang that I refuse to believe that I am resigned to a life of misery. I know that I have been created to live a life so much fuller than that!


But why should these thoughts just be limited to me? Are you not worthy of more? Do you not deserve happiness?


Please do not read these words thinking that I am someone else saying ‘its going to be easy’ because I am not. I really am not! The changes that I am talking about can be some of the hardest that any person can make.


What I can tell you is that the changes will be worth it. Your wildest dreams are just out of reach. They are there for the taking, you just have to put in some work. But you do not have to do it on your own!


THERE IS ANOTHER WAY is so much more than a blog where I say my thoughts and feelings about all things ADHD, recovery and self improvement. It is a growing community of people who all want change. Who all want to improve.


In the not too distant future I will begin actively looking for people who desire change, who crave change, but have not yet found a way. I will be looking to form an exclusive coaching community full of practical support, guidance and accountability.


But do not wait for that. If you are not happy with the way your life is heading. If you fear that some element of your life may be slipping from your control, if addiction is dragging you down, start being the change NOW. Do not continue to do the same thing and expect a different result. As Einstein said, that is insane!

Thank you for making it this far. I would love to hear your comments about my post, the good, the bad and the ugly so please leave one. If you do not want to miss out on any of the updates from THERE IS ANOTHER WAY while it still grows please do subscribe and if you feel like WEARING YOUR RECOVERY WITH PRIDE why dont you check out our etsy shop ThereisAnotherWay


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