There is Something in the Way She Moves

For clarity - this is my first post where I attempt to describe my Higher Power, where I try to outline what it is, what it isnt, what it means to me and why it has become such an important pillar of my recovery journey. I hope, in reading it, you come to realise that there may be some validity in a higher power, that where we do not agree with the Higher Power models described by ‘mainstream’ religion, we have the freedom to create our own. 

‘Theres something in the way she moves’ is the first line from a song, with the same title, that I grew up listening to. While I was growing up I never gave the song much thought. Sure I liked the melody, I would be mesmerized by the guitar playing, and I would sing along. But I never gave much thought as to the meaning behind the song. Truth be told, I thought it was ‘just another’ love song. A man talking about his love for a woman. And maybe that is exactly what the writer of this song (James Taylor) intended it to mean. But one of the many reasons for why I love music is that it is open to interpretation and for me this song has taken on a whole different meaning!

I have made no secret of the fact that I am following a 12 Step program. I did not set out with the intention of doing so, but those are the rooms I found myself in. In those early days the other people in those rooms who laughed, joked and spoke about their lives as being plentiful and full of hope gave me the inspiration to stick around. It was at this point that I started to learn about the steps and hear people talking about a higher power. But that came with the very clear direction that ‘you can pick a higher power of your understanding!’.

I really needed to hear that. I was brought up as a Christian in the UK. Rarely went to church save for baptisms, weddings, funerals and the VERY occasional Christmas service. I think it best that I describe my childhood as being one where I was told of God's existence, but was never forced to follow any specific path.

I was then sent to a Catholic Primary School. An outcome more based on convenience (it was the closest school to my home and I could walk myself) rather than one based on my parents feeling that that ideology was what I needed. Here I felt the encouragement to ‘practice’ religion. But even at that young age it did not sit right with me. For one, I distinctly remember being told that God was omnipresent and omnipowerful, but still had to go to church, throw ourselves on our knees to pray and show thanks. No one then, and no one since, has been able to explain the need to show ‘my faith’ in these very prescriptive places and ways. I had the recurring thought that if his power and presence was so strong and so far reaching, why could I not worship him, in the garden, up a mountain or on the football field?

After finishing my education I then decided to pursue a career in teaching and my path took me to specialise in the education of young people with severe learning difficulties. While I loved the job, I also had to go through the pain of watching so many young people experience an existence that was full of constant pain and discomfort and, in many cases, premature and untimely deaths. While I always considered it a privilege to have been able to play a part in their journey and an absolute honour to have been asked to play a role in their funeral, I could not help but feel that no loving God would choose and design this much pain and this much suffering.

It was not soon after these experiences that I vehemently named myself an agnostic, and was all too happy to denounce the existence of God as many understand him.

So it may come as no surprise that I initially struggled with a program that is so centred around a relationship with, and a connection to a higher power.

But then I heard a phrase in a meeting, which was enough for me to be able to begin my journey and that was ‘or a willingness to believe’.

I can say with certainty that I had a willingness, and some may even say I had more than that. I was always someone who would say ‘it was just meant to be’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’. I found myself subscribing to the idea of fate and believing in symbols from ‘beyond the grave’ taking comfort in seeing a blackbird and choosing to believe that was a sign that my Grandfather was close by.

With that starting point I started my recovery journey with nothing more than a willingness to believe. From there things have happened to shape my belief further.

For example I am now a believer in reincarnation, from a very scientific point of view. The universe is made up of only a few simple substances, oxygen, hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen etc. These substances are not being made. What existed when the Big Bang happened is what exists now. It is what makes everything in existence, even us humans. And when we die these substances will go back into the world, destined to be used and recycled, time and time again.

And then came the song. It came on in the car, one of my music services ‘suggestions’. Even though I had heard the song more times than I can count, it hit me in a different way this time. The words took on a different meaning. They resonated in a way I could not quite work out. But after hearing them I was left with a warmth, a calmness, a serenity that I had not previously known. From that moment I knew that there was a higher power walking alongside me. 

Do I understand it? No!

Does it have a name? No!

But then again neither did the subject of the song. 

Since I have chosen to let the idea of a Higher Power evolve within me the troubles of the world are far behind. And if I am feeling down and blue, or troubled by the game of life, She always seems to make me change my mind. Honestly, now, I feel fine!

My Higher Power has evolved to become a She, I think because it is the women in my life who have shown the most strength, the most compassion, the most care. Exactly what I feel I need from a Higher Power.

The whole point of this blog post is not to convince you about the existence of my Higher Power. Or to convince you against the existence of any Higher Power. I hope it just sets out that if you are looking upon a 12 Step Program sceptically, because of how they speak about God, know that you are able to craft your own understanding, like I have. Not out of disrespect for anyone’s particular religion or beliefs, but because sometimes we need to believe in something! We need something to share our biggest fears and worries with. We need something to share our burdens, so that we do not crumble beneath them!

For me there is definitely SOMETHING IN THE WAY SHE MOVES and I hope that everyone who reads this can find their spiritual someone or something to help them along this road!

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