There is Another Way

This is what addiction is! Addiction does not kill you with a fireball, it does not allow you to go through the pearly gates backwards at 100 miles per hour. Instead it is slow, painful and self inflicted. There are many who say that there is insanity in the illness called addiction. I can definitely see that there was insanity in my addiction. But it was not just that. There was also desperation, loneliness and pain. The insanity, in my case, came in the shape of repetitive self inflicted damage. I knew that the addictive behaviours that I was engaging in were hurting me. I knew they were hurting my family. I knew that they were putting everything I had lived for at risk. I knew that my addictive behaviours had a power equal to that of an atomic bomb in its ability to destroy my life. But did that knowledge stop me from engaging in them? NOPE! For me that is the complete, selfish definition of insanity. Each time I acted out, I added another metaphorical paper cut to what I later foun...

I first came across the title of this blog as a quote attributed to Albert Einstein and since undertaking my own recovery journey it has taken on a deeper, more rounded meaning. When attributed to Einstein it is often given as his ‘definition’ of insanity! And I think it describes the insanity of my addiction brilliantly. I can not help but think back to when I was in active addiction. I was looking outwards, blaming everything else for not being able to stop. I would often say to myself that I will stop, I will change, when I get that promotion, when a certain event in my life happens, when another person changes all will be right with the world. All the time blaming the rest of the world for my troubles and woes. Thinking the solution would come from outside myself. This thinking locked me in active addiction. It rendered me powerless. It kept me doing the same old things and expecting a different result. That mixed with the progressive nature of the illness that is addiction, meant ...

In today's post I wanted to get a bit ‘sciency’. It is all well and good me sharing my opinions and stories about recovery, but I know some people will need more than ‘it worked for me’ stories. The fact of the matter is that there is a lot that happens through a recovery journey that stands outside of scientific proof. It just happens because it does. If you track recovery back nearly 100 years to the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous, they would likely tell you that it all just happens because it does. But in these last 100 years Science has caught up with many of the ideas that were initially peddled as ‘beliefs’ and where that happens clearly I find it helpful to highlight the science and I try my best to understand it. One of the things that I have loved about my recovery journey is that it has rekindled my love for reading. Now I find myself reading any book that is even loosely connected to recovery and self improvement. Where once upon a time I would just read, now I study:...

Never before have I come across a phase that so beautifully sums up how I think about my own brain! And this, for me, does it perfectly. Life as an adult with undiagnosed ADHD is hard. I am not sure how life with diagnosed ADHD would be any better, maybe I will feel a shift from the negative connotations and labels that my behaviour has received over time. But for the purpose of this blog post I need to forget all of the outside input and feedback my ADHD gets and focus more on what it is like for me. This saying, ‘A Squirrel on a Treadmill’, paints such a vivid picture in my mind. I envisage a human sized treadmill with an actual sized squirrel. And I see the squirrel moving frantically to keep up pace with the every rolling road underneath his feet. But rather than just running in a straight line the squirrel darts from side to side. Bouncing off of the invisible bumpers that are the limits of the treadmill track.  Every so often the squirrel might let itself stop, in a hope of c...

When I started writing this post I did not know what to call it. It may remain without a title, or I may get inspiration further on down the line, who knows. This blog post is also different because I am pretty confident that this post is a lot more about helping me. It does not feel like I am passing anything on particularly. But maybe reading it will give you a sense of identification. Maybe you will read something that confirms your own thoughts and feelings. Or maybe you will read something that challenges your current way of thinking in a way that helps you to move forward. Again who knows. Throughout my recovery journey I have been told that it does not matter why I am an addict. That knowing is irrelevant. That there is no point looking for someone to blame and in doing so it will only hinder my recovery. But that goes against everything that has been a pillar in my life. I would say I confidently subscribe to the notion of ‘Knowledge is Power’. That to move forward, in any dire...

For clarity - this is my first post where I attempt to describe my Higher Power, where I try to outline what it is, what it isnt, what it means to me and why it has become such an important pillar of my recovery journey. I hope, in reading it, you come to realise that there may be some validity in a higher power, that where we do not agree with the Higher Power models described by ‘mainstream’ religion, we have the freedom to create our own.  ‘ Theres something in the way she moves’ is the first line from a song, with the same title, that I grew up listening to. While I was growing up I never gave the song much thought. Sure I liked the melody, I would be mesmerized by the guitar playing, and I would sing along. But I never gave much thought as to the meaning behind the song. Truth be told, I thought it was ‘just another’ love song. A man talking about his love for a woman. And maybe that is exactly what the writer of this song (James Taylor) intended it to mean. But one of the man...

I remember so vividly sitting in meetings, yes I follow a 12 Step program, listening to people share and talk about being 20 years sober and think ‘How am I ever going to get to that?’ and ‘That’s a lot of hard work’. I really was not sure that I was cut out to be sober. I was so used to living in the ADHD world of being excited by the new, of the quick win, and achieving things quickly, that I really did not have the life experience, the data, to give me any confidence that I would be able to stick it out. And to make matters worse after starting my journey I quickly relapsed. Leaving me feeling like I had proof that I was doomed to fail! But hindsight is an amazing teacher. I can see now that back then I was still trying to live my life thinking that it was all about the destination. Thinking that the 12 Steps were something that I had to complete, as quickly as possible. To prove to the world, to prove to me, that I was a good person and that I was sober. But living my life that way...